The other day I was with a girlfriend when she took a call from her husband. During the conversation I could tell she was answering with one word responses, as though she didn’t want to give too much of herself away.

She still participated in the exchange, although all she could extend were monotone offerings of a one syllable nature. When she hung up the call, I asked if she had the shits with him.

Another friend who was also in the car at the time wondered how I could tell from only hearing one side of the conversation.

I laughed, and replied “Oh I can tell”.

I could tell because I too have participated in one syllable, monotone, telephone conversations with my husband. More often than I would care to admit to people who think our marriage is all happy times and free falling dialogue.

It was at that moment, in that car with my girlfriends, that I realised the marital problems between my husband and I were not unique to our situation, rather, it was a universal issue that plague partnerships the world over.

Image credit: Paul Redding

Before having children, our lives together revolved around our love for each other, our desire to make one another happy and to feel as though we were the centre of each other’s universe. We’d celebrate things like birthdays, anniversaries, and even the controversial (breathe) Valentine’s day (Yes I still expect something even though I said I didn’t want anything).

It was all quality time and gazing into each other’s eyes like the naive well rested people we didn’t appreciate we were at the time.

Once the products of our love began shooting out of my body like a tennis ball dispenser, somehow that special and intense bond between us began to, well, bend.

Along came the sleepless nights, endless chores, messy house, and family drama.

The intensity of our passion dwindled and it was all we could do to get through each day without rocking ourselves in a corner and blaming one another for things that should have been left without blame.

The celebrations began to stop, the romance of anniversaries became limited to the likes of a hallmark card and a high five, and the resentment well and truly set in.

It didn’t mean we loved each other any less. It just meant that the difficulties of life trumped the way we expressed our gratitude and that love became overshadowed by misunderstanding.

It somehow became easier to ignore our core feelings and concentrate on the immediate things that needed our attention. Like the kids, work, problems, the house, the shopping, the cleaning, and everything else that seemed more important than reconnecting at the soul.

I began to feel like a maid, like his mother. Only there to clean his house, look after his children and cook his meals.

I felt under appreciated and unloved. As though we were going through the motions and not really enjoying life at all. I contemplated divorce, I contemplated acts of retribution, I contemplated giving up and finding someone who appreciated me.

He’d come home from work and I’d snap at him for something totally irrelevant to the reason that was truly hurting my heart. He’d think I was a crazy woman, because how can someone really get that worked up over something as stupid as putting whites in the colours basket (but in all seriousness, how hard.)

I’d have a nervous breakdown on the kitchen floor over it and he would literally not know how to process this event so he’d do it by blocking me out which only served to perpetuate the resentment.

The behaviour was/is cyclical and the only reason we are still married to this day, is because of one word: Love.

Understanding that life is difficult and not sugar coating the intensity of it all, helps avoid misunderstanding each other.

Being proactive is the most powerful armour in my artillery. In my own experiences, in my own marriage, I’ve found that if I have to wait for my husband to do something, I’ll be waiting forever. It’s not his strong point, although it is one of mine.

If I feel as though we are not spending enough quality time together, rather than resent him for not making an effort, I’ve decided to be proactive and take the steps necessary to reconnect. I’ve discovered that a lot of my resentment stems from being disappointed in expecting things from my husband that are simply not in his general nature to do.

His way of showing me love, is by making my coffee in the morning and doing the dishes after I’ve cooked. It’s unrealistic for me to expect someone so practical to take me hot air ballooning on date night. Or even go as far as organising a date night for that matter.

We all show love in our own ways. It’s taken me a very long time to understand that just because someone doesn’t show love the way you want them to, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything they have.

At the end of the day, it’s our own decision, no body else’s, whether that’s enough.

I’m not going to lie, as a women I still struggle with this concept. I still want romance, and I would love to be surprised one day. My husband blames this on Hollywood’s unrealistic portrayal of what’s expected of a man.

The pressure of life with small children is intense and you are not alone in feeling as though your marriage is lacking the lustre it used to. It helps to talk about it with each other, and go to counselling if necessary. Sometimes having a third party listen to both sides, and offer constructive advice on how to benefit your situation, is all it takes to get things back on track again.

Do you have these same issues in your marriage? How do you overcome them?